All and Sundry

So, tomorrow is the day. 

Well, not the day. Nothing like that. I guess. But tomorrow is the day I have my first appointment with an actual, honest-to-god bariatric surgeon at an actual, honest-to-god bariatric health center. Or, “center for weight management and weight loss surgery”, as it were. So I still have to finish filling out my Initial Patient Assessment. I shall call it my “patient ass” for short.

Most of what I need to fill out is pretty straightforward. Are you fat? Do you have severe health problems? Are you prepared? Do you like to eat too much shitty food? Do you have comorbidities that will make it easier for us to get your surgery approved through your insurance? 

The stuff that I’m stumbling over (well, not exactly stumbling because it’s not that I’m afraid to fill it out, it’s more that there’s a lot of it to fill out) is the personal weight history area. First, there’s a spot for some of your life events and what you weighed for them. Of course, there’s only one there for marriage. What if you had a starter marriage, like me? What if you started to get fat in high school when you got freedom to buy food and love and support and then you kept getting fatter until the relationship you were in then ended in divorce and then you got thin again and kept being thin for a good several years until you got into another relationship and started getting fat again? 

(Why do I get fat in relationships? Or at least, in some relationships??)

Anyway. There’s not a space for that. Maybe the other parts are the important parts. Or they just ask you to fill in the gaps yourself.

The other part that is hard is the “dietary history” section. And by “dietary history”, they don’t really mean “dietary history” but dieting history. As in, your personal history with self-deprivation in an effort to be thinner, to take up less space. And there’s this lengthy list of different diet programs and a spot for you to indicate “when” you tried them, for how long, whether or not a doc supervised it, how much you lost, and how much you regained. 

The problem is, there’s just one slot for each diet. I guess they assume that people with weight problems were smart enough to decide that something didn’t work and to never try it again. What’s funny is that that never, ever occurred to me until I got this chart with each diet only listed once. Then it was suddenly like, DUDE! You mean I could only have done Weight Watchers ONCE?!I I could have tried something different?!? WHOA.

Maybe that would have been the way to go.

But I didn’t, although I’ve tried different diets on their list. I mostly kept either doing my own thing, or doing it with Weight Watchers. And I guess that’s sort of the definition of insanity, right?

So anyway, I’m planning to make up a little excel-type spreadsheet and list the information separately. Like a good little anal-retentive weight loss patient.

I’ve been watching more YouTube videos of sleevers lately (look at me with the lingo!), and I have to say, the videos are much better somehow than the message board I’d been haunting. People seem far more real, far less crazy, and far happier with their results. Of course, a big part of it is actually seeing them and hearing them talk, and being able to SEE what they look like after the weight loss. But it’s more than that, too. They eat like almost-regular people, they go on vacations, they live and exist! They don’t just sit around posting on a message board! Which maybe, if I’m being honest, is partly what I was afraid of. That and dying. Or living a totally miserable life post-surgery. 

So the videos have been not only reassuring, but encouraging. There’s this refrain of “This is awesome, this changed my life for the better, do this!” that’s pretty contagious. And honestly? I think I’m starting to lead towards the doing of “this”. That is, the having of the surgery. Which is big and weird and scary but also exciting. And I don’t want to be sick or have excess skin or die or any of that, but I also DO want to be able to RUN and walk all day and feel comfortable in my body again. I want, like one of the video diarists said, for who I am inside to match who I am outside. And it doesn’t, now. 

What about the changing? Everyone talks about the profound ways in which you change, how you lose some friends, get some new friends. I’m hoping that that’s true only to a certain extent. I mean, I’d like to think that as I’ve grown and matured, that I’ve done a better job of surrounding myself with people who are real and supportive than maybe I did in the past. I guess we shall see, one way or the other.

So, I’m off to make a spreadsheet. I guess. Eeep.

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