Reasons I Feel Stressed Right Now

Hey! Let’s do a brain dump and see if I feel better afterwards! Shall we? Ok! GO!

1. MONEY. We are really short on cash right now. Sean doesn’t get paid till Monday. This is fast becoming a way of life for us. There isn’t enough money, and we’re not living extravagantly, and we can’t even get things we want/need. And it sucks, especially when he makes so much money. WTF?

2. SURGERY. I’m still going forward with the surgery, so far. And I’m mostly happy about that. But obviously, it’s not even “just” surgery that might up and kill me, it’s also an entirely new way of life. No soda, no bread, a different way of looking at food and dealing with it, part of my body gone forever, irreversibly. It’s totally fair that it’s stressful, it should be.

3. WEIGHT LOSS. For the surgery, see above. I have to lose weight for it. And that’s cool, and understandable. And I’m doing fine. But I have to do it. And think about it. Etc. forever.

4. JOB INTERVIEW. I have a job interview tomorrow. I haven’t had a job interview in like 8 years. And I’m not even entirely sure that I want a job. Or, this job. But we really need the money. But I’m afraid I’ll suck. I’m afraid I won’t get it. And I’m also afraid I’ll get it, and then I’ll be a slave to the schedule, and I’ll shelve my writing like I’m doing now, and it will suck but I won’t be able to stop because we need the money.

5. DISNEY. This is “good stress” in a way, right? Because I’m looking forward to the Disney trip? But I also have to deal with it. And we have to pay for it. And I have to tell Bryce’s teacher. And I’ll probably get a lot of shit for it, which sucks. And my cousin is pissed that I didn’t book stuff through her. And what if something goes wrong or we can’t do what we want or or or?

6. BRYCE. What is going on with him? What with the screaming and meanness and awfulness? And now we got that paperwork in the mail saying we needed to meet for the “initial meeting” for his IEP and maybe I was fooling myself but I totally thought he was normal and I was getting him checked out partly to show how brilliant he is and how very wrong they are and now he might need an IEP. Seriously, WTF?

7. WRITING CLASS. I start my writing class next week. I like writing class, so this shouldn’t be stressful. But I feel so overwhelmed by every little fucking thing these days that I feel overwhelmed by even just the idea that I’m going to have to show up for class and do things. Lame on my part.

8. SEAN. We aren’t close like we used to be. Is our marriage failing? Or is it just slowly dying off bit by bit? He doesn’t even get up in the morning, and he mostly seems to avoid me and then deny that he’s avoiding me. We hardly talk. We haven’t been out together for a date night in almost a year, literally. Which sucks.

9. AUNT MARY. She is ill. She needs help. Sean needs to step up and take better care of her and keep his fingers on everything properly. But he also needs to work hard at work and make cashola. And I can’t make him do it. Or can I? Am I really doing enough to assure that she’s safe and cared for? I know Sean requires management. Am I under-managing him in this case? Will it be my fault if something happens to her?

Ok. Now I’ve dumped my brain. Part of my wants to start making a list of possible solutions here. But maybe I’ll save that for…tomorrow?

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